When God Gives You A Smartphone

God phone

God bothering parents are always the best source of comic relief, if you can suspend your disgust at the abhorrent things they teach their children. I mean, the way they just draw God into everything like your comic-obsessed ex-boyfriend who started every conversation with, “If you could have any superpower, what would it be?”. This morning, I found a devotional Daddy who decided it was time to explain to his teenager why God hands out iPhones.

In the form a letter to a teenager unboxing their first smartphone, Daddy Divine, starts:

God Has a Purpose for Your Phone

That is amazing! With 1.91 billion smartphones in use in 2015, how does he do it? I mean, doesn’t that get in the way of determining who will do the most bench presses at next year’s NFL combine? How does he manage to find time to help Survivor contestants win reward challenges, if he’s mapping out plans for 1.91 billion smartphones and counting? Will it change the number of times God helps people find their car keys? Will he still have time to decide the winners for the Oscars? Isn’t anyone concerned he might overwork himself? I mean, if I cared about the big guy as much as all you pew-polishers do, I’d tell him to take himself for a vacay. Maybe the Caymans, I dunno. 1.91 billion purpose-driven smartphones. Wow.

Technology is a gift from God.

I’m curious, then. Why did he wait so long to give it to us? I mean, he’s still slowly trickling it down to us. Why the delays? Was it really necessary to wait until after the black plague and similar medical disasters to let us discover that sanitation and vaccinations would prevent and antibiotics could cure? Do you know how much easier the Exodus would have been if that lot had cars? They were, after all, God’s chosen people and he was trying to deliver them from slavery. But he delivers them right into 40 years of wandering. You know what a fleet of Land Rovers could’ve done for them? Seriously. What else does he have up there that he’s not given us yet? Intergalactic space flight? The cure for cancer? He’s just hanging onto it up in the sky like your best friend in first grade clinging to the remote, forcing you to watch Barney over and over and over again? And you worship this fella?

at the beginning of time, God created two people, naked and alone in a little garden, and gave them a worldwide task: to spread out across this world and exercise dominion over it.

Remember a few sentences ago when you said tech was a gift from God? Well, that very same tech that God gifted us, has mapped the human genome. Through mapping the human genome with God’s gift of tech, we have discovered that there is no way we could have descended from one couple. What we have found instead, is that we descend from other primates, many, many, many years before the time of Genesis.

Christians are always paying attention when a new technology shakes the world. Every technology is an opportunity.

Except contraception, Disney movies, abortion, video games, porn, Facebook, etc, etc, etc.

Satan Has a Purpose for Your Phone

Dude, there are two motherfuckers planning uses for 1.91 billion smartphones? Here I thought Satan was busy making condoms and helping J.K Rowling write Harry Potter stories.

Adam and Eve determined they would disobey God, and when they did that, they brought sin into this world.

What with all that God-given tech mapping the genome and tossing your Adam and Eve yarn out the window, I’m gonna call bullshit on this one, too. Plus the fact that snakes, while quite hissy and sometimes rattly, don’t talk.

This means that every technology, including your new phone, can be used to do things that are evil.

Right? I hate spam, too!

Because this is a world caught up in a great cosmic battle between good and evil, every new technology enters into the fight.

You know, I’ve heard this before many times, and yet every time I go outside, my little corner of the world seems at peace. Even without invoking God every ten minutes. I’m not so sure this battle of yours is entirely real. I think what’s more likely, is that some people are just messed up enough and indoctrinated enough to do things to other people or property, that is harmful. You know, like when flower shop owners refuse to create the floral arrangements for a wedding out of sheer hatred. Or when little girls are molested by their own Quiverfilling brother. When trusted spiritual leaders violate little boys, or when children die after their parents refuse medical treatment (more of God’s gift of tech) in the name of God. It’s less a battle between good and evil, and more a battle between reason and faith.

You will have the choice before you every day and every moment — will you use it for good or for evil? Will you use it to carry out the tasks God has given you, or will you use it to hinder those tasks? Will you use your phone to serve God or to serve Satan? Thank God for your smartphone, but plead with him for wisdom to use it well.

So, what you’re saying is, God has a plan for your iPhone 6. So does Satan. The battle begins when you turn it on. Will Satan win or will God? The decision is yours. Fully and completely yours, negating both Satan’s and God’s plan for your phone and rendering their involvement in the whole deal, ultimately useless. It’s entirely up to you, whether God and Beelzy have effective plans or not. Am I clear on this?

Your Heart Has a Purpose for Your Phone

Right, there are some fantastic fitness apps out there. I use My Fitness Pal, personally.

If you idolize sexual pleasure, you will probably be tempted to use your phone to look at pornography.

Haha, I love this guy’s sense of humour. Using the word “if” while addressing a teenager with raging hormones. Precious. Just precious.

Did you know that more than half of all pornography is now viewed on mobile devices like yours?

Technology is so great.

This means that many people like you bought a smartphone so they could text with their friends and take pictures of their vacation, but somehow they ended up using it to look at pornography. They used this great, God-given technology to do harm instead of good.

Woah, woah, woah…. back the fucking truck up there, Papa-Prays-A-Lot. How is it that the phone is God-given tech, but the porn is not? And how is waxing your pole, harmful? Scientists and psychologists agree, masturbation is a healthy activity that most teenagers engage in. In fact, those who are forced to feel shame in it, or that it is harmful, end up molesting their sisters. Duggar, I’m looking at you.

Use It to the Glory of God

Another God-given tech: the hashtag. #WordSalad

And now it is time to take that phone out of the box and to turn it on for the first time. As you hold it in your hand, why don’t you take a moment to pray?

Good one

I dunno how you come up with this shit!

Of course. You’ve just given a teenager a device they’ve been waiting to own their whole lives. You’ve encouraged them to open the box and cradle the precious tech in their hands…. and now you want them to put it down, get on their knees and pray to an imaginary man in the sky that they will not succumb to Satan’s evil plan for this phone, and instead follow God’s. Sure. And Kim Kardashian is adored for her mind.

Then go and glorify him with and through it.

Did you check the god-given Urban Dictionary before you wrote that final sentence? Because I think you just told your kid to go get drunk. Looks like Satan’s got a head start, there, Daddy.

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  • Andrew Hobson

    If God gave us technology:

    EXODUS 14: 11-28

    11 They said to Moses, “Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt? As you can see, we haven’t even got any Meals Ready To Eat (MRE ®), fuck me, but we’re starving!

    12 Is not this what we said to you in Egypt: ‘Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians’? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness. Especially as they had a good dental plan and offered two weeks off in Summer. If only those crazy Egyptians had not invested in Tom Tom technology for their GPS’s, then they’d never have found us.”

    13 And Moses said to the people, “Fear not, stand firm, and see the business support model of the LORD, which he will activate for you today, once you have validated your age using thy credit card details. Then the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again.

    14 The LORD will provide an eSolution for you, and you have only to be silent.”

    15 The LORD said to Moses, “Why do you text me? Tell the people of Israel to go forward.

    16 Lift up your iPad and use the God’s Miracle™ app I have provided thee, and see what happens. It has been fully Beta tested and is built upon a stable platform.

    17 And I will use Captagon® and other illegal nootropic chemicals of the Egyptians so that they shall go in after them, and I will get glory over Pharaoh and all his host, his tanks, and his jeeps. Trust me on this, they’re fucked!

    18 And the Egyptians shall know that I am the CEO, when I have gotten glory over Pharaoh, his chariots, and his horsemen. Lo, also shall I fuck up all their stocks and shares with one or two viruses and what have you.”

    19 Then the angel of God who was going before the host of Israel moved and went behind them, and set off the EMP bomb he had,

    20 coming between the host of Egypt and the host of Israel. And there was the sudden confusion as the GPS of the Egyptians were royally fucked by the EMP pulse. And it lit up the night without one coming near the other all night.

    21 Then Moses stretched out his iPad (for it had been ruggedised against eTerrorism) over the sea, and the LORD provided several motor boats and yea, a multitude of waterskis.

    22 And the people of Israel went over the Red Sea rapidly, one or two even providing tricks for the entertainment of the remainder of the throng.

    23 The Egyptians pursued with absolutely no sense of self preservation, due to being off their tits on amphetamines. and went in after them into the midst of the sea, all Pharaoh’s vehicles. None of which were fitted with wet weather slicks, so this was clearly an issue.

    24 And in the morning watch the LORD looked on the Egyptian forces via CCTV, and sent a signal using the holy WiFi which was a patch for their GPS,

    25 Realising their error, the Egyptians said, “Let us flee from before Israel, for the LORD fights for them against the Egyptians. I just hope these fucking GPS are operating effectively now, otherwise, verily we shall never find our way home.”

    26 Then the LORD emailed Moses, “Cancel your app, otherwise there shalt be an automatic payment taken from thy credit card and you can’t stop it due to Me knowing thy PIN number.”

    27 So Moses cancelled the app, and the motor boats returned to the hi-tech marina where they were stabled. And as the Egyptians buggered off, the LORD threw the Egyptians the finger even as he sent HD video clips of the whole thing to GodTube, whereupon all the nerds and dweebs of the world could gather and laugh at those useless Egyptians.

    28 So mote it be that the Egyptians were totally pwned by the Children of Israel