This Silly Believer Tries His Darndest To Prove Ol’ Jeezy Was Resurrected, Hilarity Ensues

It’s hard enough to commit to reading an entire article entitled, “14 Evidences For The Resurrection of Jesus Christ – And 14 References” let alone get through the damned thing (no holy), but that’s just what the fuck I did and I felt my brain cells dying while I did it.

This article epitomizes what is wrong with every creationist’s argument. It’s not a fucking argument. It’s more like an extremely uncoordinated teenaged boy lobbing steaming piles of shit at the girl he likes in hopes that one will hit her hard enough to knock her right into true love.

But just for the sake of entertainment, and because Mommy didn’t get much sleep last night, let’s pick the drivel apart, shall we?

So, Buddytard starts out explaining that this is meant to be brief and it’s just an overview. He uses terms like “factual” and “historicity” to make you feel like he has a clue. He doesn’t.

“Evidence” No. 1 – Jesus existed because a bunch of dudes say he did. The author says this bunch of dudes are historians. He then goes on to say that ancient Christian, Jewish and Pagan “sources” support this claim. I’m guessing he’s referring to mythological texts like the bible.

This is not evidence. This is hearsay. Hearsay is not worth it’s own weight in shit. There exists no empirical evidence that Jesus ever existed. We have plenty of texts from years past referencing the Tooth Fairy as well. It doesn’t make it evidence. Every last person on Earth could believe someone existed. It does not make it fact. Belief is belief and fact is fact.

The other issue I have with the author’s first point, is that the title of the whole article refers to evidence of Jesus’ resurrection. He says he has 14 whole entire points to support that Jesus rose from the dead. And point one doesn’t even come close. Even if he had found empirical evidence to prove Jesus existed as a historical figure, it doesn’t prove he was a zombie. I can prove that billions of people exist with irrefutable proof. By this guy’s logic, proving those billions existed, is also “evidence” they died and woke up 3 days later.

Point one: not even a point.

“Evidence” No. 2 : Our challenged friend here suggests that there is proof Jesus died on a cross. Considering I don’t even buy the guy lived, ever, I can’t possibly be convinced he died on a cross, but let’s just say I believe it. Let’s pretend that Jesus existed, and that he was crucified. How does that equal resurrection? Again, it doesn’t prove Jesus came back from the dead. It just proves that there was some Middle Eastern hippie with a God complex who died on a cross a bunch of years ago. This is not evidence for resurrection.

Point two: still not even a goddamned (no holy) point.

Charles Manson“Evidence” No. 3 : This one really hurts my brain. Our friendly author asserts that he knows for sure, that it would never have occurred to anyone to worship something or someone like they did Jesus unless something huge like a resurrection happened. I have plenty of counterpoints to this, but I will give you just 3, howzabout?

  1. Jimmy Jones
  2. Marshall Applewhite
  3. Charles Manson

 

It doesn’t take something huge and impressive to happen for people to believe bullshit. All it takes is some charismatic fucker with an insatiable lust for power and a bunch of lost, desperate people.

Point three: a personal assertion that resembles evidence in the same way my ass resembles the Sistine Chapel.

“Evidence” No. 4 : This one starts with, “All 4 gospels agree” so to even move any further toward accepting this point as evidence or fact, you must believe what the gospels say, which of course, is fucking ludicrous.

Point four: these are starting to feel like punchlines more than points. I mean, really.

Do-not-think-it-means“Evidence” No. 5: Once again starts with “All four gospels agree”. It goes on to say that it would be unlikely that someone would make up the story that women found the tomb of Jesus empty, because the testimony of women was devalued back then.

Unlikely. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

Using the term “unlikely” while describing “evidence” completely takes it’s relevance as evidence and flushes it down the shitter.

Point five: flushed. Not even a floatie.

“Evidence” No. 6: Oh boy. So, slowstuff tries to explain to us that the earliest non-christian explanations for the origin of the resurrection myth were that the body had been taken from the tomb, hence the empty geezhole. Ok, let’s just accept these explanations as fact for the sake of argument. Once again, we have stumbled on the same fucking problem we did in point one and point two: how does that prove resurrection. Normal logic: empty grave, therefore bodysnatchers. Halflobe’s logic: empty grave, therefore zombies.

Point six: dead. Not coming back.

ace-ventura“Evidence” No. 7: We’re assured Matthew would have no reason to make up a story. Oh? Do you know him? Does he call you at home? No? I didn’t think so. You have no idea what motivated Matthew to write what he wrote. People have enough trouble understanding what motivates themselves, let alone ancient storytellers. There’s no way to know why his words were written, and in what mental state they may have been written. Everyone has a reason to make up stories. Everyone. Sometimes it ends up in so much win, like in the cases of Tolkien and George R. R. Martin. Sometimes, people take the shit a little too literally and all of a sudden we have a goddamned pope (no holy) and his army of boy-touchers.

Point seven:  Another, “I’m pretty sure” assertion that amounts to nothing at all.

“Evidence” No. 8: Ugh. I can’t even… I don’t… I’ll just cut and paste the drivel for you:

PAUL AND LUKE’S INDEPENDENT ACCOUNTS. Paul’s list of resurrection witnesses in 1 Corinthians 15:5-7 coincides with Luke’s account at several points, but in wording and in what is included Luke’s account is clearly independent of Paul. For example, Paul calls Peter by his Aramaic nickname “Cephas,” not Simon or Peter; he refers to “the twelve,” Luke to “the eleven”; Luke does not mention the appearances to James or the five hundred. Thus Paul and Luke give us independent accounts of the appearances they both mention.

Once again, we must suspend our disbelief in the bible to be able to accept this point as evidence. Add to that the fact that entire point is nonsense. It adds up the same way Joaquin Pheonix’s rap career did. To nothing.

Point eight: painfully vacuous.

“Evidence” No. 9: Dingleberry says that because Luke only identifies one of the two men who saw Jesus, his account must be true. A-say-what? This guy’s rational thinking works the same way as Wonka’s chocolate factory: on fucking magic and wishes. Maybe he only identified one of the men because he didn’t remember the other guy’s name?  A common affliction I’d say. We’ve all been groping fruit at the grocery store when some asshole walks up to us and says, “Godless Mom! How have you been? How are the kids? I haven’t seen you in so long!” and you’re all, “the fuck? do I know you?”. Yeah. But of course that would never happen to Luke because Jesus and fairies and popes and crap.

Point nine: can’t remember.

“Evidence” No. 10: This is my favorite because the very last line of lunchtime’s point, is exactly: “is probably based in fact“.

Ahh, well then. Color me a convert.

Point ten: Probably schmobably.

“Evidence” No. 11: Now we’re talking about eyewitness testimony. Here’s something about Godless Mom you may not have known yet: I’ve devoted a huge portion of my adult life to exploring American prison issues, most notably wrongful convictions. Such errors in justice are so common in the USA it’s gained the attention of researchers, scientists and scholars and through numerous studies and replicable experiments they’ve come to the conclusion that eyewitness testimony is wrong around half the time, even when the witness is “absolutely sure”. The human mind is a funny thing that we do not fully understand. We’re unreliable eyewitnesses to things that happened today, let alone thousands of years ago and passed on through numerous translations and interpretations. An “eyewitness” in the bible can be taken as nothing but pure, unadulterated fiction. To believe it word for word makes you absolutely and willfully ignorant.

Point eleven: bullshit.

schticky-vince-offer

“Evidence” No. 12 : Here he tries to prove to us that the people of biblical times were not gullible. Sure there were skeptics back then, but that doesn’t apply to everyone. Of course there were gullible people and of course there were non-gullible people. Just like any other time in history. Why would that one little chunk of time suddenly have different demographics when it comes to gullibility? Did we fall for Jimmy Kimmel’s viral video pranks? Most of us did. Did we fall for the War of the Worlds prank? People are gullible. It’s fact.

Point twelve: I wouldn’t buy it if Vince Offer was hawking it and it came with a free Schticky.

“Evidence” No. 13: Paul was called to faith by Jesus. If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say the lord called to them. Do I believe it just because they say it? No. If they had a video of the whole thing going down, I’d fucking believe it, but there’s no video, there’s no proof, there’s no evidence. Someone saying it happened, is not evidence.

Point thirteen: Glorified gossip.

“Evidence” No. 14: Paul was converted, therefore Jesus resurrected. Unfortunately, and unsurprisingly, the logic is once again flawed. Paul’s sudden change of heart does not prove a resurrection. He could have been swayed by many things. I remember once, a charismatic man convinced a whole country full of people to vote for him, a large portion of whom were lead to their deaths in gas chambers as a result. They weren’t convinced to vote for him because they witnessed a miracle. They voted for him because he said the right shit, the right way and they were all duped. Point is, people fall for shit. We all do, we all have. Even the most atheist skeptic of all has fallen for something at one time or another. Why would this pile of motherfuckers in the desert be any different?

Point fourteen: Makes just as much sense as Finnegans Wake.

So, at this point we’re giving a list of 14 references that include titles like, “Jesus and the Eyewitnesses” or “Assessing the New Testament Evidence for the Historicity of the Resurrection of Jesus” and most of these that made the list, according to my research, are written by card-carrying jeebots. 

So, not only does the author of the article in question not understand what the word evidence means, he apparently has trouble understanding what a reference is as well. I can compile a list of books about leprechauns and cite some people asserting that they have in fact seen one. I could do this using people who are alive if I wanted to. By the very same logic as has been presented in these 14 points and the list of references, that means that leprechauns are, without any shadow of a doubt, real.

I honestly find myself in such a state of disbelief after reading bullshit like this, that I actually wonder if every fucking Christicle out there, deep down, knows it’s all bullshit but is in such effective denial that they spew this nonsense. I mean, it is absolute lunacy, the shit this man wrote as “evidence”. I can’t wrap my mind around a full grown man actually thinking that what he’s presented here is actually evidence.

I truly feel stupider for having read it.

Momma needs a fucking nap.

What do you think of Mr. Bowman’s “evidence”? Do you think anything he’s written could actually be used as proof that Jesus resurrected?

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