In my long wait for a decent question from a believer, I have collected hundreds of really asinine questions. They sit, collecting on top of themselves, in my inbox, waiting for attention; waiting for an answer. Sometimes, the asker keeps emailing me,
“Can’t answer my question? Stupid atheist!”
“Why won’t you answer me? Afraid?”
And so on and so forth. I don’t have the heart to tell them it’s because their questions are ridiculous. I don’t want to be that mom.
But alas, this morning brought another email with a ding, this time from a Baptist who had originally posed Pascal’s Wager, that read,
“You can’t answer it. That’s why you won’t respond. You have no logical answer for me! Deep down you know I’m right and you believe! You’re not an atheist!”
Now, I find very few things insulting because being insulted costs energy. Precious energy that I have a finite amount of and will one day run out. Energy that, should I ever feel shortsighted enough to spend on being emotionally bruised by a faceless stranger on the internet, would surely be wasted.
However, I draw the line at lumping me in with believers. That shit cuts deep. There has never been a moment where I had ever considered, hey maybe these outlandish stories of talking donkeys and walking dead wizards who can’t stop worrying about where your junk is are true! No, I have never even come close to believing in any god save for that ten minute hiccup I had with pandeism one night in my pretentious twenties after I smoked a bowl of extra sticky (icky icky) and was digging as fast as I could to the bottom of a bag of cheetos.
“Hey, maybe god is everything.”
Though I have tried, endlessly, to understand how one could possibly believe these fantastic tales that require more suspension of disbelief than Twin Peaks, I simply cannot and do not understand it. I am not, have never been, and will never be a believer.
How. Dare. He.
Suffice it to say, my inbox Baptist succeeded in getting under my skin. He won the war to goad me into responding to some of these idjit questions. And so here I am, venturing into the absurd, finally ready to address some of this mountain of crazy. These are the questions I have found too absurd to answer.
What if you’re wrong and you end up in hell?
I’ll let Richard Dawkins answer this one, as he did it best:
What Pascal’s Wager does, is propose I fake belief in order to avoid eternal damnation. Are you admitting your god can be fooled that easily? Does a god like that deserve worship?
How do you live your life as an atheist?
Well, usually after a six hour rest in my sensory deprivation tank, I rise, shower in the blood of lambs and get dressed. As an atheist, getting dressed is a lot easier than it is for a believer, because we just have a dozen of the same outfit, kinda like Batman. Black leather pants & corset, heeled black boots. You know, the usual atheist attire. One thing you might not know about us, though, is that we all go commando because all we ever want to do is fornicate. Anyway. Baby fingers for breakfast while my children scrub the blood off the kitchen floor from last night’s sacrifice, and then it’s off to work in a cave where I toil over a cauldron creating potions out of pages from the Bible, little girl’s belly buttons and puppy paws (only happy puppies work). Lunchtime: baby eyeballs, then back to work. When we get home, we usually have baby ribs for dinner and then get to the sacrificing before we head back to our tanks for our nightly commune with the Dark Lord in our tanks.
It’s a simple life, but we love it.
Why are atheist instagram accounts so cancerous?
I can’t speak for how others operate their atheist instagram accounts, but I keep to my own profile. Cancer, as I understand, is a spready sort of thing, that grows and infects new areas where it can. It takes its good word on the road, so to speak, and there’s only one group of people on the spectrum of belief that match that sort of description. I post on my Instagram for fellow atheists. I don’t go find believers and accost them. I don’t come to your page and find your email address and send you an email. No, friend, your behaviour is the cancerous one. You’re the one who’s left his own personal online spaces, sought out someone with differing beliefs and accosted them with silly questions. Believers are the ones who knock on my door, trying to spread their mutated cells all up in my clean mind. Believers are the ones who take their message to developing countries and take advantage of the poor and desperate, feeding them Bibles and sheltering them with churches. Believers are the ones who behead those who disbelieve; throw those who don’t live an acceptable lifestyle off buildings; burn people at the stake.
No, honey, religion is the cancer, spreading its wicked tendrils out into the peaceful night, tearing families apart, ending lives and driving deep seated fear and guilt into the hearts of good people. I couldn’t even come close to matching the evils of religion if I tried.
How can you say that Christianity is bad when the religion and the gospel of Jesus has changed many life’s that have hit rock bottom and made a complete 180 and are in good hands now? Lol
Let me ask you something: How can you say that heroin is bad when the drug has given a lot of people the relief they were seeking?
Your answer to this would likely be that we know heroin is dangerous. We know heroin can kill people. We know heroin causes a lot of destruction, ruining families, relationships and lives.
If we are willing to be honest with ourselves here, the very same answer can be given for religion. Religion kills. Religion is dangerous. Religion causes destruction, ruining families, relationships and lives.
Just because something can result in a good feeling, or have good results, doesn’t mean it’s not dangerous.
So you’re going with, one day there was nothing, and it’s exploded and that made everything?
First, I don’t know what preceded the Big Bang.
Second, the Big Bang was not an explosion, which you would be aware of had you ever studied it. The Big Bang is the beginning of the expansion of the universe, which we can observe any time we please.
Third, A good explanation for abiogenesis has not been proven yet. I do not know how life came to be.
Not knowing the answer, however, does not mean that god did it. The answer will one day be understood, like the many things we understand today that had no answer centuries ago. We must continue our investigation until we find the truth.
Can I see your toes?
I get ID’d buying booze still. People say I haven’t aged a day since I was four. My one crazy trick is driving doctors insane.
hi, i am christian but you are looking so funny and so sexy too. belive me i want kiss you.
Oh. Well then. Gimme ten, I’ll just tell my husband I’m leaving him, and hop on the next train to morontown and meet you at the station.
And that, my lovely little unbelievers, is as far as I’m willing to wade in the crazy today. Tell me though, what are some of the stupidest questions you’ve ever gotten from believers? Put ’em in the comments!