Why Stop At X-Men? Here Are 10 More Movie Posters That Ought To Be Apologized For

Disclaimer for those who have difficulty interpreting tone: this is satire. S-A-T-I-R-E. Satire. Put your fucking pitchforks down, there will be no outrage trafficking today. 

I don’t know about you, but I sure am glad Fox stopped using the horrifying, misogynist poster to promote X-Men. When I heard the news, I was on my way to the ammo store in town to grab myself a can of pepper spray. Thank goodness I heard it when I did. I pulled a u-turn and headed back home, thankful I no longer had a need to defend myself from random attacks of manly violence provoked by male eyes peeping the poster in question. Phew!

Now that Fox has apologized for using a poster that would surely have resulted in more domestic violence, I think it’s appropriate to use this as a precedent and demand apologies for past movie posters that have been just as, if not more, offensive than one depicting what toxic masculinity can do to a helpless, defenseless J-Law. Here are a few of those posters I’d like to see apologies for:

Superman Returns (2006) – this particular poster clearly depicts a man rising above earth. This is revoltingly symbolic of how the patriarchy lords over us all, completely out of reach and full of superpowers. I want an apology from Warner Bros. for dehumanizing women with this poster.

Superman Returns

Is it just me, or is the Florida panhandle supposed to be his bald avenger?

 

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (1966) – clearly insensitive to those who have struggled with suicidal thoughts and/or descendents of those put unjustly to death via hanging. This movie poster should come with a trigger warning and a personalized, written apology to everyone.

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

Pulp Fiction (1994) – WTF, Tarantino? All I see is Uma’s two little fonzies. Reducing her to a sex object before we even see the movie? I’ll have an apology for that, shitlord.

Pulp Fiction

Saving Private Ryan (1998) – Faces of giant, white men looming in the clouds? I think it’s pretty fucking obvious the message here is that white men are godlike. I’ll take my apology with a non-fat, GMO-free, fair-trade latte topped with a trigger warning. Thanks, Dreamworks.

Saving Private Ryan

The Corpse Bride (2005) – Of fucking course the woman is depicted as dead on this poster. You should be ashamed for yourself, Tim Burton, for promoting spousal murder! And we wonder where Johnny Depp went wrong…

The Corpse Bride

Apocalypse Now (1979) – Just try to look away from the white man blocking the rising sun behind him. This is a painfully obvious metaphor for the atomic bombs dropped on Japan at the end of World War II. Your cultural insensitivity is showing, United Artists. The horror… the horror.

Apocalypse Now!

The Big Lebowski (1998) – Wow. Just wow. As if all plus-size people dress like slobs and substitute going to the gym with bowling. You can’t shame people for being big-boned, you know, Coen bros. For all you know, it could be a thyroid issue!

The Big Lebowski

The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951) – I think you know what message is being put forth here: women are weak! Women are useless! Women need big, strong, men to save from them from themselves! I don’t know what possessed you, Fox, to think women could handle this poster!

The Day The Earth Stood Still

Chinatown (1974) – A movie named, “Chinatown” with all white people on the poster? R-A-C-I-S-T! That’s cultural appropriation if I ever saw it!

Chinatown

The Graduate (1967) – Jesus H. Christ on a pogostick, do I even need to explain this one? I mean I can’t even attempt it without triggering myself. See, there, I’ve done it. Now, I’m triggered.

the-graduate-movie-poster-1967-1010428603

Before I get fetal in a refrigerator box (my safe space), I want to know if you’ve been harassed by any movie posters, and which ones? Until next time, if I could bottle up all my outrage and sell it to you as an aphrodisiacal tincture, I sure would. I sure would.

Triggered out.

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