Kids Ask: Bird Baths In Cathedrals & Jesus Starts A Food Bank

Welcome to Saturday on Godless Mom, where we cover funny stuff our kids have said in relation to religion.

A quick disclaimer: If you haven’t picked up on it yet, I live for sarcasm, so some of these posts may not be appropriate to actually say to your little ones, but we sure can laugh about it behind their tender little backs, can’t we?

Yes, we can.

This morning, my little dude approached me, with his little blonde head cocked to the side, and asked me how long ago Jesus started the first food bank.

A-say-what?

“Did someone tell you that Jesus started the first food bank?”

“Yes, Ms. Blah Blah” This is his math teacher. Math teacher. She is teaching him logical thinking. Lord have mercy on her soul (no holy).

I can’t lie, my blood was starting to boil at the idea, kind of suppressing my simultaneous desire to piss myself laughing. Food banks? Where the fuck did she get food banks from? Is this some new book of the bible? The Book Of NGOs? Jesus feeds the world, except Africa?

Jesus Didn't Start A Food Bank

Jesus Didn’t Start A Food Bank

Before we go any further, a little background info. My son goes to a private montessori school. We pay a handsome sum for him to attend. We chose this school because public schools in Canada are geared toward one type of student and one type of student only, while there are many ways to learn. I wanted my son to have the best possible chance of being taught in a way that he learned best and that’s why I chose student-led Montessori.

I did my homework on this school, and we took a trip here before we moved here to visit it and take a tour. While my husband and I were shown around, I asked, “there is no religious affiliation here is there?”, to which the administrator told us there was none. I thought I was free and clear of having to deal with my little one being taught horseshit.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I heard that his math teacher was telling him lies.

“What exactly did she say, sweetie?”

“She said that Jesus lived a long time ago and now he is dead and food banks were his idea”

Goddamnit. No fucking holy.

“You know that’s not necessarily true right?”

“It is true, Mommy! Ms. Blah Blah said!”

Now I’m mad. I’m scowling as I picture myself marching into the administrator’s office, blaspheming like satan on Christmas and demanding a fucking answer.

I bite my lip and kneel down.

“Honey, some people believe that Jesus was real and that he was magic. You can believe it if you want to, as well. I just want you to know that Mommy and Daddy don’t believe it and there is no proof that it is true. Sometimes, even adults can get mixed up about what’s real and what’s not”

He looks at me confused, “but, why Mommy?”

I’m thinking, Because they’re fucking morons.

I say instead, “because sometimes believing things that are not true brings people comfort.”

His little arms are around me now, my favourite fucking thing in the world. He asks, “like this, Mommy?”

“Exactly! But we don’t need to believe stuff that might not be real for comfort, because we have each other for that, don’t we?”

His little Dennis the Menace cowlick wobbles as he nods his head up and down.

Cue the effing Full House music, I just Danny Tanner’d my way through the Jesus talk, bitches!

How would you have dealt with this situation? What would you have told a 5 year old boy asking these things?

I also asked some of you guys on Twitter and Facebook what questions your kids have asked you about religion

This one was sent to me on Twitter. It was so funny, I had to share. Here’s the tweet with answer:

I’d love to know what sorts of questions your kids have asked about religion and how you answer them!

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Category: Kids Ask, Mommyhood | Tags: ,
  • Brandi

    I don’t have children yet, but my boyfriend and I live in Princeton, WV. We were both born and raised in southern WV. I don’t know if you know anything about WV but to give you an idea I went to a University in a town with 6 churches and a population of 1,050 residents. Like seriously, WTF. Anyway, we often talk about how we will explain religion to our children, and also how to deal with his VERY religious/bigoted parents and my moderately religious/bigoted parents. I love both of them very much and want them to be in our future children’s lives, but not their beliefs. Have you had to deal with religious grandparents? How did you do it?

    • I actually dated a guy from Charleston who went to Marshall for a while so I do know how utterly strange a state it seems like. Fucking beautiful though. I have not had to deal with religious grandparents, however, I have had to deal with some new age pseudoscience crap and I just say firmly but nicely not to talk about it around my kid. If they can’t follow those rules then they won’t be seeing him as often and that’s no one’s choice but their own. Luckily, they respect what I say. With religion, it would probably be less easy. I would use everything they say to your kids, as a great starting point to start teaching critical thinking. Every time your kids see grandparents, follow up their visit with a good old yap session about what makes sense and what doesn’t. Help them reach their own conclusions and eventually it will come naturally.

      • Brandi

        Thanks so much for responding! Sound advice.

  • Brad Larsen

    DON’T DRINK THE WATER!! Birds pee in it, and angels with wings have BIRD FLU VIRUS’!!

    Seriously, though . . . I recall my daughter coming home crying that she was told she was going to Hell because she didn’t go to Church. We did exactly what you did, GM . . . just told her that it was a personal belief, never been proven, and compared it to ‘monsters in the closet’ or ‘under the bed’, which time and time again we showed her that they weren’t real with the lights on or off. We did let her go to Church with a friend, to try it out, and like reading the Bible, if you want to bore the living shit out of a kid . . . send them to a regular Church service!! 3 hours of non-stop pew-wriggling!!

    She never went back, and is still an Atheist as 26 (27 later in Nov.).