With A History Like This, Who Wouldn’t Want To Be A Mormon?

Joseph Smith

Joseph Smith

I had the pleasure of working for a Mormon man once. He filled our staff with Mormons, and I got to know a little bit about their ideas and saw how their beliefs manifested in real life. Within the first week of working there, it was pretty obvious that their lives are wrapped in secrecy, they’re habitual liars and the mighty dollar is more valuable to them than women. I watched as he strong-armed his third wife, less than half his age into doing things that were illegal. I watched him enslave addicts under the guise of “recovery”, forcing them to work 10 hours a day for 6 days a week in exchange for their room and board in a recovery home. I watched him invoke Jesus Christ’s name as he gave speeches next to the mayor of our city, the tears arriving right on time, the same time as every speech he gave.

This man was, by far, the most evil person I’d ever come to know in real life. He destroyed lives, he turned a blind eye to a massive theft ring, the products of which were sold in his store, he belittled women on a daily basis and after about 8 months and the death of an addict in the program who I had come to adore, I had no choice but to leave.

Of course, as I did so, my boss hopped right up on his moral high horse and acted as though I was the one lacking any sort of moral backbone.

Since that time, I’ve read a lot about Mormonism, because it seemed to me he sincerely thought he was going to be rewarded for his behaviour in the afterlife. I couldn’t wrap my mind around a doctrine that allowed lying, cheating and stealing and still rewarded you in the afterlife. I thought he was just crazy and found ways to justify his own behaviour.

However, in my reading, I found out that no, it’s pretty much Mormonism. Mormonism is in itself, inherently evil. I mean evil in the sense that it goes against everything most modern human beings hold dear, such as preserving life, respecting other people, giving, protecting children, personal space and privacy, and everything else that makes us free and healthy and happy.

Here are a few of the more shocking things I learned about Mormonism:

1. The founder of Mormonism, Joseph Smith, was charged with using seer stones to get people to pay him to find treasure. The charges did not amount to much punishment, but a few years later, Smith used those same “seer stones” to translate the golden tablets said to have been inscribed with the Book of Mormon.

2. From the Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants:

61 And again, as pertaining to the law of the priesthood—if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another, and the first give her consent, and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him and to no one else.

 62 And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified.

 63 But if one or either of the ten virgins, after she is espoused, shall be with another man, she has committed adultery, and shall be destroyed; for they are given unto him to multiply and replenish the earth, according to my commandment, and to fulfil the promise which was given by my Father before the foundation of the world, and for their exaltation in the eternal worlds, that they may bear the souls of men; for herein is the work of my Father continued, that he may be glorified.

 64 And again, verily, verily, I say unto you, if any man have a wife, who holds the keys of this power, and he teaches unto her the law of my priesthood, as pertaining to these things, then shall she believe and administer unto him, or she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord your God; for I will destroy her; for I will magnify my name upon all those who receive and abide in my law.

 65 Therefore, it shall be lawful in me, if she receive not this law, for him to receive all things whatsoever I, the Lord his God, will give unto him, because she did not believe and administer unto him according to my word; and she then becomes the transgressor; and he is exempt from the law of Sarah, who administered unto Abraham according to the law when I commanded Abraham to take Hagar to wife.

This is a passage about plural marriage and the laws that bind it in the LDS church. A man may take as many wives as he sees fit, but should any one of those wives see another man, she has committed adultery. While I take no issue with consensual polygamy between adults, this is straight up misogyny.

3. 10% of your income is to be paid to your church, even if it takes away from feeding your children, paying your rent or paying your bills. It is always priority number one and failing to do so can result in excommunication.

4. Joseph Smith married many women, including girls as young as 14. This is the man on which the entire faith is based.

5. Brigham Young, another of the first Mormon leaders and namesake for a top University in Utah, preached that black skin is a curse from God and that black people are descendents of Cain, the first murderer according to the Bible. Of course, today, many African Americans attend Brigham Young University because self respect issues, I guess? Perhaps, they just have no idea what the truth behind the man is.

6. Mormons cannot drink beer, wine, booze, coffee or tea.

7. Mormons believe that if you are black, and you become a Mormon, your skin will begin to whiten. Was Michael Jackson a Mormon?

8. Joseph Smith is noted to have said that giant men dressed like Quakers are living on the moon.

Missouri: The Garden of Eden

Missouri: The Garden of Eden

9. Mormons believe that Missouri is the Garden of Eden where Adam and Eve first lived.

10. The missionaries of the Church of Latter Day Saints are strictly prohibited from swimming, as Satan is in control of all natural bodies of water.

11. The LDS God is only one of many gods, all part of a god family who live near planet Kolob as referenced in the Book of Abraham, also translated by Joseph Smith with the seer stones.

12. LDS members have the chance to become gods themselves and create worlds, should they live a righteous life here on Earth.

13. Women in Heaven serve only one purpose: birth babies to populate the worlds created by her god husband.

magic underwear

Magic underwear

14. Magic underwear will protect you from evil. Mormons call them temple garments, but they’re fucking silly, so let’s call them magic underwear.

15. Smith was a freemason, and stole freemason rituals for the Temple Endowment Sessions. These sessions are secret rituals held in the LDS temple.

16. Joseph Smith was arrested for treason after the 1838 Mormon war and was nearly executed. He escaped prison.

17. Joseph Smith died after again being incarcerated for treason, and firing a pistol at two men before being shot 5 times.

18. The Book of Mormon is a fraud. As if the seer stone bullshit wasn’t enough to prove this point, there are myriad other issues with the Book, including blatant plagiarism, endless spelling, grammatical and translation errors, reference to places that have never been located, and a complete and total lack of any archaeological evidence for any of the stories in the book.

While I could go on forever, with 500 more crazy things about Mormonism, these 18 I think have proven my point. Anyone who knows these things and still buys into this doctrine is a complete and total lunatic. They are deeply, deeply flawed human beings and no, I am not afraid to say that. It is not hateful, it is not judgmental, it is undeniable fact. Mormons be crazy. Period.

Do you think Mormonism is nuts?

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  • Jon

    I think you’re being a bit harsh here. As an Formon (ex Mormon) however, I can confirm that all 18 points are correct! Any Mormon who says otherwise either doesn’t know their own history or is in denial. The thing that you’re being a bit harsh about though is that although lots of Mormon ideas are bat shit crazy, so are all the other religious beliefs out there. I have known some really lovely people who are Mormons. And some absolute bastards! Just like most groups of people, I guess. Their beliefs are deeply misogynistic, racist (more so in the past) and obviously just plain made up. But so are the beliefs of Islam, catholicism and every other religious group. It’s just that Mormonism was formed without the mists of time making us think it’s mystical or something.
    So okay yes, they’re nuts, but mostly a nice nuts. Sorry you had to meet one of the dicks.

    • Debbie

      All 18 points are not correct. 1, 3, 11 and 17 have errors in them. (His peep stone and the two seer stones are two different things – the first existed and is what he used, the other were fictional items he claimed to have received with the also fictional gold plates. No-one is ever excommunicated for not paying tithing. There is always a kind of unspoken pressure to do so, but the only tangible cost of not paying tithing is that you can’t get a temple recommend, which means you can’t attend the temple (a terrible thing if your kid is getting married there) and you can’t hold certain callings or perform certain ordinances (like if your kid gets baptised, there’s an ordinance after called giving the gift of the Holy Ghost and the kid’s dad wouldn’t be able to do that if he didn’t have a current recommend. The Book of Abraham was just “translated” by “inspiration.” He didn’t claim to use the seer stones. And when Smith died in prison, he had been charged for ordering the destruction of property (a printing press on which was going to be printed an account of his polygamy and other crimes) not for treason.) Most are accurate, even if not widely held beliefs. Which brings me to my next point.

      The other thing that is misrepresented here is that many – maybe even the majority – of practising Mormons don’t know half of this stuff. The information is not in their lesson manuals and history books, and they are heavily influenced not to read literature critical of the church or its leaders. Some of it I learned when I was young, but generations growing up now have never heard them. I was taught until I was an adult that Smith had one wife…Emma. In my 20s I learned he had been married to other women, but only widows, for their legal protection, and not real marriages. It was not until about 7 years ago that I found out that he had had around 34 wives, including 9 teenagers and 11 women who were already married to other men. When I told other Mormons this, they either straight out told me I was lying, or told me I had been fooled by false information.

      Of the hundreds of Mormons I know, a tiny fraction would behave like the guy described at the beginning of the post, and they would not be considered good people by other Mormons if they knew what they were doing.

  • Scott Petersen

    7. Mormons believe that if you are black, and you become a Mormon, your skin will begin to whiten. Was Michael Jackson a Mormon?

    No, but mormons don’t believe this. either. They think black people will be “rewarded” with white skin in the afterlife.

    • Neil Elliott

      Glad that’s cleared up then, makes soooo much more sense 😉

    • Jon

      Hi, I’m afraid they do believe this. It may not be official doctrine (which is the white in the afterlife thing) but they absolutely believe that people will get whiter. Hence the Michael Jackson comparison.

    • Debbie

      It’s an older idea, but it was definitely taught and believed. For example: “I saw a striking contrast in the progress of the Indian people today … they are fast becoming a white and delightsome people…. For years they have been growing delightsome, and they are now becoming white and delightsome, as they were promised…. The children in the home placement program in Utah are often lighter than their brothers and sisters in the hogans on the reservation.” (Spencer W Kimball, former Mormon prophet)

  • Virtual Atheist

    Those magic undies look HAWT!

  • Cornelius Van Zyl

    All hail the flying spaghetti Lord


    A good look at Mitt Romney’s business career will tell you all you need to know about Mormons and their love of money. I realized long ago that though religion and morality do not exclude each other, they are very different things, and Romney epitomizes that disconnect. He claims to be a “Hundred percenter” on his Mormonism, but the sleaziest used car lot in America has higher ethical standards than Mittens Romnoid.

  • I could find a way to whack me willie, magic underwear or not.

  • holyreality

    Yet painting every adherent to LDS doctrine as a complete and total lunatic goes a bit far. The main takeaway from Mormon families is how nice they are. I’ve been helped when I needed it by some very nice families, and they all appear at least happy.

    Scientology is also for complete lunatics, but many a Scientologist is a happy and nice person who helps others.

    While I eschew religion and dogma, I support the deluded masses’ desire to believe whatever they like, and appreciate how many of these folk are perfectly nice and helpful participants to the social contract, so long as they remain committed to that contract.

  • Smalltown Sean

    Sometimes I think we need to focus more of our criticism on the holy books and less on the groups of people who follow them.

    I’m not saying absolve people of responsibility for practicing absurd behaviors, but most of the religious folks I know (many of them friends) are reasonable, compassionate people who are otherwise open to change… if not for their emotional attachment to a BOOK keeping them anchored to antiquated ideas.

    • I agree. Honestly, I couldn’t care less what people believe, so long as it stays out of policy, doesn’t play a part in violence or harm against people or violate human rights.

  • Haley

    Former Mormon here is well. I agree the beliefs are as illogical, sexist, and racist and homophobic to hold their own against the other major religions out there. However, I don’t think you accurately represented the actual Mormon people.
    The bible condones a whole bunch of shit that modern day Christians ignore. Same with Mormons. My whole family is Mormon. I went to church like every Sunday for the first 18 years of my life. They are mostly kind and eager to help people. I think the biggest detriment to the Mormon ideology is the effect it has on girls and homosexuals. However,
    I don’t know where you get the idea they are okay with lying and stealing…totally false. One of the temple recommend questions is: have you been honest in your dealings with your fellow men? Show me the doctrine that contradicts it I guess. Because I can tell you 100% that is not what is taught in actual practice.