Guest Post: Wank Shaming With Jesus

This is a guest post from Jay of Godswill Ministries. Follow Jay and Godswill on Twitter: @MightyGodswill, on Facebook: Click here, and see his web site here. If you want to submit a guest post for publication on Godlessmom.com, click here. 

Menage a trois?

Last week while perusing the inter webs I came across a story about a three way going on along the side of a highway in northern Wisconsin. You can imagine my disappointed when I clicked on the link only to find out it had to do with billboards about a porn/religion tryst.

The basics: On the outskirts of this sweaty midwest gang bang are two adult superstores trying to chip away at that coveted but sicko “highway traveller looking for porn” market share with giant signs touting their merchandise. But, not wanting to be outdone, a couple of anti-porn conservative groups decided to jump into the middle of it all to become the finger cuffs of their billboard orgy and put up a sign of their own asking the all important question “What would Jesus say about pornography?”

Before I jump into the main “Jesus and porn” part of this post I would like to say how, in a world where pornography is a billion dollar a year industry with thousands of adult websites only a click away on the internet, the ‘Knights of Columbus’ and ‘Morality in Media’ thought their money would be well spent by putting up a large stationary sign on the side of the road in one northern state. PROBLEM FUCKING SOLVED!! I hear next week they are taking out an ad in the back of the classifieds of a North Dakota newspaper telling people nationwide to stop eating chocolate.

First, if you are the type of person who is driving along the side of the highway, minding your own business, and a giant sign for “Teddy’s Big Dick Emporium” makes you want to stop in the middle of nowhere to have a look see, you have issues. Second, if you are the type of person who is about to stop and by something hard and ribbed for mom because her birthday is coming up and a giant “Jesus” sign makes you decide against it, then you DEFINITELY have issues. And that is what I want to really address.

NEWSFLASH #1: PEOPLE LIKE PORN!

As I mentioned above, the porn industry pulls in billions of dollars every year so obviously “porn” is that sexy little elephant in the room that no one likes to admit to being attracted to. And when we don’t admit to it, it becomes really easy to reshape the argument to make someone think what they are feeling is “shame”. You should be “ashamed” of thinking those thoughts. You should be “ashamed” of looking at those pictures. My god, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

I’ll tell you exactly what Jesus would do. Jesus would take one look at a video link of three naked cheerleaders in a locker room rubbing each other down with baby oil and have to excuse himself because he was beginning to pitch a tent (manger?) in the front of his freshly demi-god stained robe simply because JESUS WAS A GUY!

Now with that last statement I don’t mean to imply that women don’t like porn, although I laugh that some people refer to it as “erotica” to avoid the stigma. But, if that “50 Shades” bestseller wasn’t enough evidence that females enjoy a little spice, one only needs to look at the scantily clad male covers of the romance novels that line the shelves at bookstores. Women don’t buy those books because they think lines like “I quiver at the touch of your throbbing man stick” is Shakespearian-eque prose. They buy them because the books get them aroused, and I say god bless you ladies for doing so.

What I meant when I said “Jesus was a guy” is that somehow guys got the long end of the stick in terms of the porn industry. (And I should clarify by saying “Heterosexual guys”. Homosexual guy-on-guy porn still has an unfair stigma attached to it with a lot of people.) In today’s culture the phrase “be sure to delete your browser history” has become a running joke because it implies that every guy has, at one time or another, taken an x-rated tour of what the internet has to offer. And that would be a correct assumption.

But so what? Why should looking at pictures of people in a state of undress performing erotic acts with one another be such a big deal? What, exactly, is wrong with porn? Well, my friends, it usually boils down to what happens next. You look at “those” pictures long enough and soon you are going to want to go to the bedroom, make sure the door is locked, and spend a few minutes getting to know yourself a little better.

NEWSFLASH #2: PEOPLE MASTURBATE!!

Here is the crux of the problem for a lot of religious folk. It is the fact that this concept of sexual-self gratification is a real thing and most everyone does it. Why do people care if someone else takes matters into their own hands? Who the hell knows? Maybe the idea of someone who doesn’t feel guilty looking at porn and then “scratching that special itch” makes the ultra-conservative, every other weekend, missionary with the lights off sex-life seem a little boring. Or maybe, just maybe, it is the idea that Jesus, as a real-live boy, occasionally did the dead. And to that I say “you bet your sweet lotioned palm he did”.

I have jacked it twice since I started typing this sentence, so don’t tell me for one second Jesus spent 40 days walking around in the woods all alone and didn’t occasionally find himself a cozy little purlieu to churn out a little god butter. One of his closest friends was a whore for Christ’s sake (see what I did there?).

Have you ever seen a groupie dress or say something sexual because she is meeting her rock-star idle? Well, substitute ‘groupie’ with ‘whore’ and ‘rock star’ with ‘creator of the universe’ and you may start to understand why someone would want the reputation of bagging a prize like that. I am sure Mary’s body language and sexual innuendos gave Jesus enough memories to file away in his spunk trunk for a dozen lifetimes.

In fact, as I sit here and think about, I almost lose respect for the guy if you tell me Jesus didn’t masturbate. If I found out a 30 year old presidential candidate never had sex and never once touched himself I would be too afraid of voting for him because that sexual tension would make him nuke the first country that pissed him off. You are telling me this same guy is going to be in charge of my “eternity”? No thank you.

We, as human beings, are the world’s largest collective of idiots. Somewhere in our twisted little history we mistakenly allowed certain religious groups to begin dictating the sex lives of others in terms of what is “normal”. In doing so, it was a natural progression for Christians to eventually get Jesus involved and use his name to, I guess, illicit some form of guilt from people for being sexually aroused. Shame on them for doing that, and shame on us for allowing it to happen. Time to stop be so fucking ashamed.

But, before I go, I would like to offer my final thoughts on the ‘did Jesus masturbate’ question: Do you think if some all-powerful creature could create the whole of time and space in SIX days that it would really take him THREE days to come back from the dead? Was the six day job him cutting corners, or was the three day job him taking his time? I am going to go on record and say “taking his time”.

Here we have a guy, locked away in a cave behind a giant boulder ensuring no one could bother him and two brand new railroad spiked size holes in his hands he could poke things through which led to fresh and exciting new ways to pamper ‘baby jesus’.

Think about it.

This is a guest post from Jay.

Jay is an outspoken and often opinionated writer for Godswill Ministries whose mission is to shine a sarcastic light on religion everywhere.

He can sometimes be found as an admin at the godswill ministries Facebook page when he isn’t being banned for upsetting the delicate sensibilities of Christians everywhere.

Follow Jay and Godswill on Twitter: @MightyGodswill, on Facebook: Click here, and see his web site here. If you want to submit a guest post for publication on Godlessmom.com, click here.

#masturbation #porn #submission