The Case For Replacing Jesus With Jason Momoa

Alright hetero boys, if you are at all uncomfortable with your sexuality, now’s the time to check out because Mama’s gonna praise the gods of rock hard man abs in just a few.  Consider this your trigger warning.

Recently, on Instagram, I posted this meme:

And it turns out it’s not true. See, GM didn’t do her research before posting this, and now I’ve got proverbial egg schmeared all over my heathen face. Don’t worry; I’ll kick my own ass later. My laziness is not important. What’s important here is the idea.

What idea is that, GM? 

Why, the idea that we could potentially choose a new face to pass as Jesus, of course!

I mean, think about it. When you focus on Jesus in your mind, you picture a man who has hair that could win a Pantene commercial and eyes that could get a Weinstein in trouble. He looks like a twenty-something globetrotter with a B.O. problem, a hemp backpack and an itinerary that’ll block him from entering the US for the next ten years. You wanna call him River or Blaze. Not Jesus, right?

So, why don’t we replace the image with something a little more… well… suitable?

I am here to propose we do just that. I think we ought to replace the blonde-haired, blue-eyed image of Christ with…

*breathe Courtney*

with this:

Jason Momoa could be Jesus

I’ll give you a minute to change your panties, ladies.

We good? Alright.

Here are the reasons Jason Momoa should replace the face we know as Jesus:

He could pass for Middle Eastern better than the image of Jeeboner we have now – Momoa is dark and mysterious with locks of chocolate brown like a Persian prince. He’s got the olive skin that is far more convincing than our existing Jesus’ milky complexion. Momoa is Hawaiian with some of that delicious Pacific Islander blood in him that makes him a far more believable Jesus than… well, Jesus.

Abs – I mean look at this for fuck’s sake:

Jason Momoa's abs

I mean, if you’re a god and you can look like whatever the flip you want to look like, why would you choose to resemble a runway waif whose last meal consisted of a whiff of the essence of kale? Why not choose to look like you were chiselled from the firmament by god’s very hand?

You’ll fill more pews – sure they’ll be filled with yoga pants, bejewelled iPhones and purses, but they’ll fill up nonetheless. The ladies will flock to your holy house in droves, just to be able to take a moment to run their fingers down the razor-sharp abs on the life-size statue of our Lord and Saviour. Heck, you might even find GM in there one day, ’cause if there’s one thing that’ll make me fall to my knees in worship, it’s Jason fucking Momoa.

You might be more successful with your fundraising – under the powerful spell of Momoa’s hypnotizing green eyes, even a hetero man could be talked into handing over his life savings.

And finally, the most important reason to replace our recognized image of Christ with Jason Momoa:

Fewer sexual abuse scandals – all your clergy are going to be too busy beating their bishop to the image of the son of god to get all touchy-feely with the altar boys.

So, what do you say? Shall we replace the image of Christ with Momoa? Let me know in the comments!

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Category: Debate, Jeebots | Tags:
  • I can’t say I’ve ever heard of this Momoa fellow, but if he exists, he’s certainly got an advantage over Jesus.