9 Ways Atheist Moms Are Different From Religious Moms

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atheist momAlmost daily, I get comments on my Instagram posts or replies to my tweets that I’m doing some sort of disservice to my kids for raising them without religion. Y’all know me, I don’t give two fucks what the brainwashed Jeeby lovers think of me, but I’d like to destroy this sentiment anyway. Let’s be honest, some of the voodoo woo woo horseshit religious moms feed their kids is what is truly detrimental to a growing mind. Sure, I recognize that not all religious moms are the same. Some are wonderful and accepting and truly do a great job with their kids. Others, well, others seem to take that book of theirs too seriously and do or say things to their kids that no atheist mom ever would. Not one of us.

Here are nine ways atheist moms differ from religious moms:

1. We would never refer to our children as sinners. Certainly not for being a normal human being. If you think it’s romantic to see yourself as broken and in need of saving, that’s on you, Bible buddy, but keep it to your damned self. Don’t infect your kids with that bullshit. As atheist parents, there is nothing our children could do to make us see them as sinners, because we don’t believe in sin. Calling a child a sinner is something only really awful moms would do. It’s demeaning, dehumanizing and abusive. While I recognize that not all religious moms would do this, there are zero atheist moms who would.

2. We would never tell our children that some people go to a place after death to be tortured and burned for eternity. For a child, hearing from the adults they trust about such a place, is fucking terrorism. Even if they’re not picturing people they love there, you’re planting images of humans being treated like trash; images of extreme pain and fear; images of flesh melting away from bones; images that will haunt them for their entire lives. An atheist mother would never tell their child that hell is a real place, where real people are sent to live in anguish for eternity, and I hope any mother who does has to clean up extra poopy pants from her scared shitless kids. Poop messy and hard, kids. Do it often. Your mom needs some humbling.

3. We would never tell our children that if they engage in certain behaviours, that they too, may end up in hell. We don’t need to terrorize our children into fearing their own human nature. We don’t need to cripple them with the fear of making mistakes. We embrace the mistakes, we embrace their nature and we would never, ever use the threat of eternal torture to get the behaviour we want out of them. That sort of lazy parenting is reserved for those who think women are just man-ribs and Jeeby is coming, albeit late, to save us all from himself.

4. We would never tell our children that the wafer they are eating is the flesh of a man who died 2000 years prior. You see, some of us think cannibalism is not just a bad thing, but possibly the worst thing. Some of us want to instill a good sense of morality, of compassion and concern for our fellow human beings. Some of us want to instill a respect for life in our kids and not teach them that man-flesh is just another option to throw on the barbecue. Some of us, and this may be the biggest shock, try to teach our kids that biting is not cool. You know, every once in awhile in a school cafeteria in the deep south, some kid loses his shit and stabs another kid with a fork, and the mom is all, “I don’t know what possessed him to do that!”. That’s bullshit, honey tits. He’s stabbing kids with his fork because you told him to fucking eat people. You go to cannibalism meetings and line up to eat flesh and drink blood. “I don’t know where he got that idea!”. You, saggy knockers. He got it from you.

5. We would never tell our kids that they are being watched by an invisible man who casts judgement on their behaviour. Mostly because we have enough respect for our kids not to try and sell them on something so heinously ludicrous. Also because the idea of someone watching and judging their every move is a terrifying thing for kids. This is a great way to make your children fear trying new things, or going new places, or growing into a well-rounded adult. I think moms who tell their kids this should have to be put in zoos, because you’re goddamned animals.

6. We would never decorate our homes with execution methods or give our children jewelry with torture methods on them. We feel extreme unease letting our kids go to places that seem to think this is okay. Hanging bloody corpses on the walls of your home makes it about as wholesome as a porno directed by Quentin Tarantino. You wouldn’t put a guillotine on your wall, nor an electric chair. You wouldn’t decorate with a syringe used for lethal injection or photos of firing squads. I’m fairly certain you wouldn’t erect a gallows in your backyard. So, why just this one execution method? Why is this somehow better than the rest, and perfectly fine to expose your children to on a daily basis?

7. We would never lead our children to believe that if they wish in just the right way, an all-powerful being may grant that wish, despite billions of people wishing daily for the very basic necessities of life. No, your kid wants a remote control BB8 with sound effects. Sorry Africa, you’ll have to starve another day.

8. We would never tell our kids that illnesses of any sort can be cured by a magic man, so long as you say the right prayers, and just enough to please him. No, we want our kids to grow up understanding that their best chance to beat an illness is to see their doctor. Why? I guess we just want our kids to live long, healthy lives. Call us fucking crazy…

9. We absolutely would never insist to our children that an invisible man in the sky is more important than family. Not all religious moms are like this, but some put God before family and make no qualms telling their babies this. Nevermind that their kids are real, observable and demonstrably so, or that their kids are the ones who will bring them great joy throughout their lives, or that their kids may be all they have to rely on in old age. Nevermind any of this, because they have this special book which they know is true because their special book says so. Can you feel it? Can you feel the circular reasoning? Cannagitta ramen?

I’m inclined to believe that these things all harm children and stop them from becoming healthy, intelligent thinkers who can take care of themselves. If you still need to believe, though, that not doing any of these things to my kid means I’m doing a disservice to them, then so be it. It’s not like adding one more delusion to your already lengthy list of delusions is really going to make a difference. Think of me what you wish, but I know, without these parenting techniques, I’m doing a better job than many.

Happy belated Mother’s Day to all the unbelieving moms out there teaching their kids reason and critical thought, and to all the religious moms who, in spite of their holy texts and faith in god, treat their kids with the respect they deserve.

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  • Jess Jessmer

    I’m 22 and I don’t have children but something made me read this. I’m really glad I did. I was brought up as Christian and I like the rest was instilled with the fear of god. Quite frankly I only see people using god as a threat or a way to alienat one another.This post kind of helped me realize what my family did and how it affects my life now as an adult. How other children treat their peers just because they may not belive in God or they don’t follow all the “rules”. How the thought of god is spreading hate that many people may not realize. I think what you post and talk about is so important for people to realize. I’m not saying it’s bad to believe in God. The idea of torturing, teasing ,and alienating others is not ok.

  • Josh Hornbaker

    It’s sort of interesting to me that 1. You say you don’t care yet care enough to rant against some mothers while propping yourself up. So either you don’t care about how some moms rear their children or you do. Can’t be both. Logical fallacy. 2. You say you want to teach your children respect while badmouthing and insulting moms with names like “honey tits.” So you’re actually teaching your children to only treat certain people with respect. 3. You successfully set up quite a few straw men arguments and lovingly and respectfully tore them down. That’s probably something your children will also be very good at. For that, I commend you and the flowery language you use.

  • SteveInCO

    You know, if you’re going to run an autoplay video and brag about how often it’s been watched (Wow over 480,000 viewings!), it’s dishonest to put it in a loop the viewer can’t shut off while he reads your content. Plus, it appears to be reloading every time it loops (rather than buffering) and that REALLY is a dick move to people who are on a limited data allowance–like mobile users.

    Given all that I didn’t finish reading what you had to say, because I can’t afford the data.

    • No one is bragging, the stat is there because that’s included in the Vine embed. I appreciate you pointing out though, that it can’t be stopped. I hadn’t thought of the data issue. You could be more polite about it. I wasn’t doing it to be a dick.

      • SteveInCO

        First off let me apologize for letting my frustrations with the sorts of people who think the internet has bottomless free capacity, out on you.

        Second, thanks for removing it.

        Third, my apologies for letting my frustrations with the sorts of people who think the internet has bottomless free capacity, out on you.

        Though I don’t doubt you weren’t trying to brag about the number of views, I suspect the writer of the embed is thinking he can do something with a gratuitously inflated statistic–like sell ads that show up between the loops or something like that. Or he/she may be truly thoughtless, as in not thinking. (To the developer: If you gotta do this, at least let the video buffer instead of pulling it down over and over!)

        Oh, and I almost forgot: My apologies for letting my frustrations with the sorts of people who think the internet has bottomless free capacity, out on you.

      • SteveInCO

        PS good post. Thanks again.

  • FuttBucker

    “We would never tell our kids that they are being watched by an invisible man who casts judgement on their behaviour.” So I take it your kids won’t believe in Santa Claus?

    • They do, but I don’t teach them Santa judges their behaviour.

      • Lee Porteous

        I don’t think there is anything wrong with using Santa as a tool for that. You are telling me you have never said (around Christmas) you better be a good little boy because Santa is watching you don’t want to go on the naughty list.

        I think the difference is, when they get to a certain age it is revealed that it was the parents all along, surprise! Santa was made up. You know your mum and dad aren’t an all seeing eye so there is no lasting damage like there is in religions.

      • Shamus Mac

        But judging behaviour is part of the mythology of Santa. The Christmas carol will inform them of this, even if you don’t.

        Teaching your kids to believe in any invisible man leaves you wide open to many of your own criticisms. Please consider joining the full no-bullshit train.

        I don’t want to use the word hypocrisy because I love you and your writing, but this sort of situation (being the subject of your own criticism) is what the word applies to.

      • FuttBucker

        Isn’t that sort of the ENTIRE point of Santa Claus?

        • Not in our house. It’s just a fun thing and eventually, a great exercise in critical thinking when they figure it out, just like it was for me.

  • Non Mormon

    More and more without religion. I love it. Live your life to the fullest because that is the best thing to do, not because you think the man will punish you.

  • Lee Porteous

    I am surprised there was no mention of sexuality but then I suppose you do get non religious people who for some reason believe it is wrong to be Gay/Bi or love animals…wait what?

  • SteveInCO

    Even the “Historical Jesus” would be of zero comfort to a doctrinaire Christian. No actual miracles, no literal son of god, no resurrection…just a guy who (probably) thought he was the messiah (note: Messiah did NOT mean divine figure who is the son of god, it simply meant an anointed ruler who’d re-establish Judea and kick some ass, a super-King-David), did not believe he was divine (nor did any of his followers at the time) and *certainly* thought the end times would happen very very soon (now overdue some 1980 years).