7 Of The Most Useless Things Jeebots Pray For

We’ve all seen a jeebot pray for something so vacuous, so inconsequential that we find ourselves stunned into silence. How can someone insist there is a god who would listen to that crap? The mere fact that jeebots pray for this shit is proof that religion is nothing but an exercise in arrogance, narcissism and self-importance.

Here are 7 things I’ve heard jeebots pray for that make me wonder if they’re all just in on a massive plan to troll the world.

7. Game Of Thrones – Praying that your favourite character (who we can all agree is Tyrion) does not get killed off. Fucking news, bud: George R. R. Martin is god in that world, and he is a cold, brutal god and you’re prayers will always go unanswered. Get past it.

6. The Sequel – Praying for a sequel to be made of your favourite movie. There are far too many sequels being made. You’re essentially wishing for the destruction of an artistic landscape that could be invigorating, and inspiring and entertaining and hoping instead that we’ll get shown the same shit over and over again. And you think, for some reason, Jeez-slice is on board with this. He wants his minions to be like goldfish: you watch a movie, and one swim around the tank and the movie is brand new again. Stop ruining the film industry. Seriously.

5. Winning the Lottery – Playing the lottery is, in itself, an exercise in futility. Add prayer to that, and you’ve got something slightly crazier than Tom Cruise on a couch.You’re not going to fucking win, and jesus certainly isn’t sitting around going, “hmmm, who should win this $75 million jackpot?” until he hears your prayer and then says to himself, “well, thank myself for your prayer, I have the answer!”. Fuck that. You’re an idiot. You should just give your money to a worthy cause and go hide under a bridge until the afterlife.

McRib

Dear Jeezy, grant me the strength to nom this shit.

4. Weight Loss – Let’s be real, is there anything worse than a fatass jeebot? Simultaneously praying for the return of the fucking McRib while asking Jeezy to help them find the strength to get rid of 2 or three stomach rolls? You can picture them looking in the mirror, asking Jebus why they have forsaken them with the body they have, and an hour later they’re leaning over their KFC Double Down thanking god for the food they’re about to eat. These fuckers go up for seconds during communion with two pockets full of poutine.

3. Driving On Fumes – There is no other way to describe someone who prays to make it to their destination on an empty gas tank, other than simply diotarded. What’s worse, is when they pray for that shit while driving past gas stations. These people are a special kind of dim, an absolute box of rocks with nothing at all happening within the walls of their cranium. These people think with their appendix or their big toes.

2. Football – This is the moment where Godless Mom comes out as the Cleveland Browns fan that she is. You have to hear me loud and clear, if anyone has the right to pray for their team, it is Cleveland fans. Our fandom is the very definition of suffering. Every Sunday is an exercise in grief, not entertainment. The Super Bowl is an unattainable Holy Grail that we gaze at, with envy and brown and orange tears streaming down our cheeks. Being a Cleveland fan is like being one of those Self-flagelating jeebots. It is pure, unadulterated pain and torture and heartbreak. If anyone understands the absolute futility in praying for your team to win, it is the Dawg Pound. God cannot be real, if he can’t shine a light, even just briefly, on the team with the most heart in the history of sports. 

Probst

Probst is the new Chuck Norris.

1. Survivor – I’m not ashamed to say I love Survivor. It’s like a chess game or Catan using real people as pieces. Every season, though, there is at least one jeebot, sitting on this remote island in the middle of nowhere, praying to find an idol, or win immunity, or that some miracle will take place to change the fact that their elimination later that night is imminent. In their interviews, they insist that god is on their side and that’s a recipe for a win. I never get used to this. That some idiot can assert that this loving god of theirs is ignoring the people dying in wars, people starving, people being raped and executed, animals being slaughtered and the homeless and instead, he’s hanging with the Probst out there handing out immunity idols like it’s the fucking eucharist? I mean, I’ll be honest with you, if I had the chance to hang out with Jeff Probst, I would (those dimples though) and there is something godlike about the scenes with him on a helicopter, but really, if there truly were a god, he is not fucking watching Survivor. Maybe the Walking Dead, but definitely not Survivor.

What do you hate to hear jeebots pray for?

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Category: Jeebots | Tags: ,
  • Daniel.l

    I always, in my younger days, prayed to get laid, and very often my prayers were answered.
    Now I pray for a miracle .

    • haha, i think we can all relate

    • Steve

      Both the same thing hahaha 🙂

  • Dawndee Nicole

    Praying for victory in war. To actually believe that dog will bless one country or race over another while they kill each other. These god-damned (yes holy) people think that dog actually blesses them!

    I think this is why American Christians think the way they do. Since they see America as powerful, then dog must be on their side. Dog bless America and America is a Christian nation. The egos these people have.

    But in their defense, they were made in dogs image and we all know what a murdering, germicidal, women hating, manipulative bastard he is.

    • excellent point about the US being powerful. let’s face it though, if religious people were made in god’s image, they’d all be invisible.

  • Kelly

    I saw a Jeebot on TV the other day, on a cooking competition. She had made a roulade for dessert and she said she had prayed to god for it to turn out ok, and it did, therefore proving his existence! He was there listening to her prayer, rather than those of the poor fckrs in Africa dying of starvation, or those in war-torn Syria / Palestine / Ukraine. He ignored the plight of those people so that some daft bint in Sheffield’s roulade turned out nice. Which was pretty good of him, don’t you think?!

    • so good of him. he’s so thoughtful. thanks for reading!

  • Was working in a restaurant in college serving nuns and one told me she was praying for a certain baseball team to win that was playing that day. A nun. I can’t tell you how disgusted I was.

    • They just are not morally grounded at all.

    • ShibumiMC

      So – if her team lost – did that means she’s going to “hell” or something? She should have been asked.

  • Jon White

    To me the saddest type of prayer is done by relatives of terminally I’ll loved ones. Of course, when a loved one is ill you will take any help that you can.
    But if the magic man in the sky can save someone, in response to prayer, the why the f**k did He let them get I’ll in the first place?
    It demonstrates the twisted logic of the believers perfectly.

  • Laura

    When they pray for me…When they learn I’m this or that and their prejudices come forth, they pray for me. They pray I’ll learn the correct path, that I’ll come to know jee-whatzit. That is what is silly.

  • Another Oz Atheist

    Pray the gay away. Oh man that was a wasted 30 years.

  • Christopher Searle

    My sister, who worked for a guy preaching ‘The prosperity gospel’ needed a new car. She discussed it with him and he told her to pray for one. Guess what happened next….

  • Tony

    I get really irritated with people who ask for prayers for someone in the hospital or otherwise being treated by doctors. Then they claim “it’s a miracle!” when their loved one gets healed. Uhh, no you idiot, it was the professionally trained doctors & nurses administering various medicines & techniques (that you all were paying for!) that are proven to heal people.