7 Alternative Explanations For The Empty Tomb of Jeeby

The empty tomb of JesusHonestly heathens, you’re not really trying if you haven’t had someone ask, “Oh yeah? How do you explain the empty tomb, then?”. I thought we could tackle this question today. How can we explain the empty tomb of Jesus? For this exercise, we have to grant a few things. They are:

  • Jesus existed.
  • Jesus was tortured on the cross and was placed in the precise tomb in question.
  • The ladies of myrrh were not lying when they claimed they found the tomb empty.

Any other time, I would want evidence to establish that the above three points are conclusively true. Today, we’ll just assume they are for the sake of argument.

So, how do we explain the tomb being empty? If Jesus definitely entered it, how was it empty just a few days later?

If our standard of evidence is the same as those who believe the Bible accounts, here are a few ideas with which we can explain Jesus’ missing cadaver:

1. He was hungry for brains – Jesus rose from his resting place to take on the world and spread his virus far and wide. Devouring the brains of his victims, they would be born again, too, and seek to ravage the brains of others until everyone was infected. I’m not really sure if I’m talking about zombies or Christianity…

2. Jesus didn’t die – Medical equipment wasn’t exactly top notch back when people talked to donkeys and burning bushes. Jesus may not have actually died on the cross, and thus, could have still been alive when he was laid to rest in his tomb. After a few days rest, he was recuperated and busted out to find where all the action was.

3. He was body-snatched – If Jeeby really looked the way he is depicted now, he’d have been a prime piece of booty for any neighbourhood necrophiliac. Just sayin’.

4. Aliens – I mean, if you were from Planet Ding-Dong and you came to steal a human specimen from Earth to run a few brief tests on, what better specimen to grab than the son of god? Really. And there he was, all laid out for the taking behind a measly stone door. He was practically begging to be nabbed by aliens. This hypothesis also explains the depiction of Jesus ascending to Heaven. Maybe god ain’t the only fucker around here with tractor beams.

5. He vanted to suck your blood – At some point, when Jesus was up on that cross, some Lestat-lookin’ pale-face decided he wanted to save Jesus because he believed in his message. So, Whitey McBloodSucker got up there and vampired the crap out of Jesus. Jesus died for three days and rose again like Eric Northman on a booty call from Sookie.

6. He slipped through a rift in the space-time continuum – His body went through the natural processes of decay in the year 3035. They probably should have sent in Commander Riker instead of the little ladies and their anointing oils.

7. He faked his own death – Jesus told too many lies to keep up with. I mean, how many times can a man say no to being asked to walk on water before people start to think the first time was a lie? What better way to get out of it than to die? Of course, he wasn’t so successful, being spotted a few days later. He probably should have had a disciple pop a fedora and a fake moustache in the tomb with him.

Any of these explanations have just as much evidence as the claim of divine resurrection does. When a theist asks you how you can possibly explain the empty tomb without divine resurrection, they’re just not being creative enough. Just watching Season 1 of the Walking Dead will inspire at least a dozen ideas.

What other explanations for the empty tomb can you come up with? Show me your creative side in the comments!

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Category: Debate, Jeebots | Tags: ,
  • ORAXX

    It never happened at all, and the story is pure fiction? /s

  • fred tully

    8 The Roman centurians took the body and burned it as was there instructions. They did this with all Christians as a final insult to all. They had done this as a final insult from the time of Alexander the great until Rome fell.

    • Seth

      Do you have sources to back that up? Romans were notoriously inclusive of many religions, and history shows this to be true of their Christian citizens as well. I can see no reason the politically adept Romans would try to anger an entire religion, no matter how small, it just makes no sense from a historical perspective and only seems to be touted by delusional modern Christians with a masturbatory persecution complex.

      • fred tully

        Arrian book on Alexander provides evidence of the Romans burning the bodies as a final insult “as they do today” about 9 Center.

      • Stephen Hawkins

        Is this the same Romans that burnt the temple down?

    • ORAXX

      Alexander was Greek, not Roman.

    • Not enough magic.

    • ThinkAboutIt

      Oddly enough, Jesus was not a Christian. His followers were. Also, there were actually no Christians at the time. They were just Jewish followers of the teacher/rabbi/whatever Jesus was, assuming he existed at all. Christianity as a separate religion from Judaism was still a ways off. Plus, my understanding is that Romans usually left the body on the cross to rot and be eaten by animals as a warning to others.

  • Ian Woollard

    If it was me doing it I would do it as the funniest practical joke EVER.

    I would get a bunch of people to roll back the stone, I would roll back another tomb’s stone, stuff the body in there, roll the stone back closed again, and then leave just one anonymous guy to freak out the Jesus freaks with an ‘HE IS RISEN!!!!’ And then walk away high-5ing everyone and pissing ourselves laughing.

  • fred tully

    I forgot. Never talk to others. Read the books.