5 Ways Porn Is Great For Your Relationship

Tiger's Wood

Tiger’s Wood

Porn is inescapable. It’s everywhere. There’s not a man on this planet who hasn’t watched porn, and I doubt there are many women, either. Porn is easily accessible, costs very little and includes every type of person that has ever graced Earth with their presence. Porn is funny. Porn is interesting. Porn can be entertaining. Porn has created jobs, paid mortgages, raised funds for charities, paid for degrees, medical bills and business start-ups. It’s ingrained in our society, it’s a massive part of who we are, and so many people who work within the industry are proud to be part of it.

Sounds like it’s all good, no? No. It’s not all good, according to the Jeeby Patrol. As is the case with just about anything that people seem to enjoy en masse, cross lickers wanna shut this party down.

Over at Relevant Magazine, Zach Douglas has listed 5 Ways Porn Ruins Relationships. It’s all the same old shit: objectification, isolation, slippery slope, blah blah, yadda yadda. He-Be-Jeeby is peeping you tug it while watching Assablanca and wants you to know, that the only reason he’s watching, is to confirm your spot in Hell. Yeah. Right, Jeeby. And the only reason I’ve ever had a Jager bomb is because I like the taste…

So, I thought I would counter this coital-purist, with my own list. 5 Ways Porn Is Great For Your Relationship. Grab some lotion n’ tissues, fellas.

1. Porn is a great way to learn new things. I’m sure Mom and Pop taught you all about the birds and the bees, and you’ve been forced to dress a banana with a prophylactic. I’m sure you had to study diagrams of fallopian tubes and urethras, and seen a cross section on a knocked up belly. I bet you snickered your way through the school nurse drawing a sperm on the chalkboard… but somehow, I doubt sex ed included a lesson on how to toss her salad for maximum pleasure.  Porn is an educational tool. Where else would you learn how to give and receive road head that doesn’t end up in a wreck? Would you have known over a dozen things to do with your hands while deep-throating bae? Who else would have taught you how to keep your head above water while bumping uglies in the deep end? It’s pretty fucking obvious, porn is a hundred times the educational tool any sex ed class is and those of us who watch… well, we got skillz.

2. It makes you realize things are normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Weird sounds, strange reactions, unexpected excretions, skin imperfections, terrifying facial expressions and getting pleasure from things you would have never expected to are all things we’ve learned from porn are totally normal. All the ladies out there who like to skip the foreplay and get right to it? Normal. Those who love hours of foreplay? Also normal. It’s okay to like giving head, talking dirty and having your hair pulled. It’s also perfectly normal to not like those things. Pregnant women need not feel ashamed for having a high sex drive. It’s normal! Busy moms, stressed out dads and even those with physical disabilities can enjoy raunchy, dirty sex and guess what? It’s normal. We’re normal, you’re normal, he’s normal, they’re normal and we all know it because porn. Thanks, porn.

3. It can bring new excitement to a routine sex life. It’s pretty common for couples who have been together for a long time, to get stuck in a sexual rut. Kids take all your energy, work takes all your time. There’s little left in the tank to wanna play hide the sausage and sometimes even the very thought of it sounds like a chore. If this is you, if you find yourself trying not to fall asleep during missionary style sex every 3 weeks, turn on some porn. Don’t be fucking shy about it. Load up some Porn Hub on your smart TV, watch it with your SO and see if you can count to 10 before you’re making triplets on the couch.

4. It can lead to more sex. Porn can get your SO in the mood, when he or she may not have been previously. Everyone in a committed relationship has had the ol’ bonestorming sesh shut down once or twice. Headaches, exhaustion, busyness all tend to get in the way of some afternoon delight. Sometimes, we’re just not in the mood. I dare you, though, to sit through Tiger’s Wood and not want to cream the twinkie after… or even during. Ahh fuck it, how about both?

Good Will Humping

Good Will Humping

5. It’s a great substitute. It can fill in for you and keep your SO satisfied when you truly are not in the mood. These things happen. We get tired, pregnant, sore, and a myriad other states that make having sex impossible or unappealing. Just because one of you can’t Drive Miss Daisy, doesn’t mean the other should be obligated to stay at dry prom. No way! Too tired to get your bean waxed, ladies? Hubs won’t leave you alone? No problem! Fire up Brazzers, hand him some Vaseline and Kleenex, close the door, get in your jammies and ride the snooze train to slumbertown knowing he’s happy doing the five finger shuffle to some Good Will Humping. Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy.

You wanna know what really ruins relationships, and often gets blamed on porn? Shame. Shame is what destroys perfectly good relationships. The crippling shame people feel for enjoying totally normal activities. The shame they feel in themselves for not looking the way they want to. The shame that accompanies most religious dogma, that teaches totally normal people that their human instincts are wrong and that they are abominations because of them. God wants you to feel shame if you enjoy porn, sex or masturbation. God wants you to feel shame if you’re a porn star or sex worker or have multiple partners. God wants you to feel shame for being attracted to the wrong type of person. God wants you to be ashamed of your humanity and it is that shame, and that shame alone that ruins relationships when it’s being blamed on porn.

The proof is in the many happy, long-lasting relationships and marriages that have used porn as the useful, educational, entertaining tool that it is. There is nothing wrong with porn, and there isn’t a relationship in the world that porn will ruin without permission.

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