18 Ways A Husband May Be The Glory Of His Wife

christian husband Yesterday, someone on Twitter sent me this : 18 Ways A Wife May Be The Glory Of Her Husband. With a title like that, you know it’s gonna be all Jeeby’d up. So I took a glance, got to point number 3 and thought, Oh hell no, Bible Bimbo. In 18 points, she managed to take women back to 1920 and then blame it on the fruit of God’s loins.

Bitch has some serious self-loathing issues. Let’s fix this, shall we?

Before I start, men, I want you to know you’re wonderful and I love you and this is purely satire.

So, manly men of atheism, how, exactly, do you become the glory of your wife?

1. Don’t ask me what my goals for the week are. Asking me anything even remotely close to that’s gonna make a bitch cock her head to the side and say, “Whatchu talkin’ ’bout Willis?” and crack a joke about singing Kumbaya when we’re done discussing… weekly… goals.

2. Further to point #1, don’t fucking offer to help me with my weekly goals ’cause my weekly goals are probably, no more no less: try not to let the kid drink too much before bed so my laundry doesn’t triple overnight and I have to spend the morning elbow deep in more urine than a little person’s body should be able to contain. Don’t offer to help with that, because that should be your goal, too. And precious, if it ain’t your goal, it’s sure as hell gonna be, cause I’m saving the next pee pee party for you.

3. Instead of asking me to do things differently, ask yourself, should I do anything differently? Yeah, how about we stop collecting tools and toys that literally fill the garage from top to bottom, and sit there, collecting dust, untouched.

“I must have a bandsaw!”

“Honey? Can we make my Dad a bandsaw box for Christmas?”

“No.”

Great. good thing we have a bandsaw.

How many guitars do we really need, considering you play, alone, in the basement about once per week? Are 3 sets of drums necessary? Pretty sure buying your 45th multi bit screwdriver is indicative of a mental health issue. Oh, we need a riding lawn mower, do we? For our 50 yard backyard in the desert? No, honey, we are not going to decorate our living room with remnants of your drunken escapades from your twenties. You can take your empty 18L Jack Daniels bottle to your mancave.

4. Expect to pitch in with the cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry and cooking, or it ain’t gettin’ done.

5. Save some of your energy every day for your kids and me, and I’ll do the same. If you assume you’re the only one who gets tired, you’re gonna have a bad time.

gonna have a bad time

Sing it, brother!

6. Put your children first. Sorry, ‘stache rash, but the kids will always come first. Expecting that you ought to, will teach you how nice our front door looks from the outside.

7. Don’t expect me to drop everything for something you forgot to tell me about. Big boys who wear big boy pants, should be able to communicate their big boy events in advance.

8. Feel free to rant to your friends about me, ’cause god knows, no holy, mine know everything you do that gets under my skin.

9. Looking good comes from within. Don’t expect me to do it for you.

10. If any part of you thinks that your corporate ladder job is more important than raising our children or fighting for human rights, I invite you to become intimately familiar with the bottom of my foot.

11. Don’t expect me to be your personal assistant, or you’re going to find whoopie cushions sewn into the dress pants you wear to important meetings.

12. Don’t oppose the things I am involved in, ’cause Mama’s gonna do them with or without your blessing.

13. Be warm and friendly to my family and friends unless they insult or harm you, me, our kids or our dog. Then, by all means, lay the smack down. I’ll help.

14. Talk to me the way you feel you need to, based on reason. If you’re pissed at me, let me know. Hiding shit and pretending everything is peachy isn’t going to get us anywhere.

15. If the makeup bag and pretty bras aren’t making an appearance today… they aren’t making an appearance today. End. Of. Story.

16. Upon your first serious suggestion that I have sinned and should find Jesus, it’s over. If you wanna be a christicle, keep that crazy in the closet or pack your bags.

17. If you use the term “spiritual gifts” to refer to anything but your latest pride-inducing backdoor emission, you’re seeing a shrink.

Wife sick

18. Obedience is puppy training terminology and if at any point you slip the term into talk about me and my own behaviour, there will be divorce papers shoved up your ass so fast you’ll be farting confetti for weeks.

You wanna know what I love about modern men? Most of the ones I know, value a woman who speaks her mind, has her own shit going on and who is intelligent and entirely her own person. The woman who wrote the article I am responding to, truly saddens me because I doubt that even her god-fearing husband is attracted to a glorified personal slave. What, honestly, is attractive about someone simply forcing a smile and saying “yes” all the time, to everything, even if you know it’s not something they would want to say yes to?

I had a friend once, a guy, who had a crush on me for the entire time we were friends. He honestly thought, that by being agreeable and changing his opinions, passions and interests to reflect mine would make me fall for him. To the contrary, it repelled me. There are few types of people I end up loathing more than those who are simply human tofu, who take on the flavor of those around them. There is nothing attractive about not knowing who you are, not being your own person and not standing your ground.

I don’t even think the men in the past found submissive women attractive. Personally, I believe men are attracted to confident, ambitious women who have their own passions, and I think that healthy men have always been attracted to that type of woman, and only felt societal pressure to marry a submissive idiot.

What do you think? What are the most important characteristics you look for in a partner?

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Category: Debate, Jeebots | Tags:
  • Mystikan

    I would ask, in any partner, the one thing I would give them.

    Acceptance. You accept me as I am, and I accept you as you are. With all our respective shine and shit. We don’t try to change each other, we don’t project on each other, and we ABSOLUTELY NEVER sit in judgement of each other. If one partner cannot accept the other, there is no basis for a relationship. When you love someone, you love them because of who they are, not who you want them to be. So many people (men and women alike) these days have drawn up these lists of demands and expectations, so full of self-entitlement, that acceptance, openness and understanding have taken a back seat. It’s all about MY wants, MY desires, MY expectations, me, me, me…

    My parents accept each other for who and what they are, and this mutual acceptance has underpinned the entire 50 years of their lifelong marriage. Dad has never had or needed a “mancave” (which carries the implication that the rest of the house is strictly under the woman’s control) because he and Mum work out their differences and agree on how their house should be conjointly. There are no power games, no “my house my rules”, no lists of requirements and expectations backed by threats of abandonment or expulsion or divorce. They are who they are.

    There are certain jobs Mum does. There are other jobs Dad does. They don’t question why, or analyse gender roles, or draw up rosters, they simply do their respective tasks naturally. Mum does the laundry, vacuuming, dusting, sweeping and makes the beds. Dad does the cooking, gardening, maintenance/repairs, cleans the gutters and patio and takes out the garbage. Their duties dovetail neatly and there are no arguments about who should do what.

    This is what I grew up expecting from a relationship. Unfortunately I was born in the late 60s and grew up in the 70s and 80s, at a time when everything changed. I was a teenager when Women’s Lib became Feminism, when the sexual revolution turned into the gender war, when rights were given precedence over responsibilities and respect for others. And Acceptance, the value I hold most dear, went right out the window even as it was given lip-service by the proponents of the new ideologies.

    Don’t get me wrong: I absolutely stand against enforcing traditional gender roles. Acceptance precludes that. Your roles should be where your abilities lie. Mum and Dad are evidence of it – Dad doing the cooking and cleaning the kitchen, for instance, because Mum’s cooking is… well, not as good as Dad’s. And for a long time Mum went to work while Dad retired early and looked after the house. Those are the values I was raised with.

    Yet there seems to be such hostility in people’s expectations these days, and while the word “tolerance” is often on people’s lips it is seldom in their hearts.

    As I read your list, I became aware of this same veiled hostility, the subtle (and not-so-subtle) threats in the event of non-compliance with your demands: “I invite you to become familiar with my foot”, “I’ll shove divorce papers up your ass”, “You’ll see what the front door looks like from the outside.” There’s no respect there, no acceptance, just you laying down the law for your man to obey or suffer the dire consequences. You try to mask the hostility with your satire disclaimer, but the sense of entitlement is glaring, because I see it everywhere I look. Is this what love is to you? It’s your way or the highway?

    I could not love a woman with that attitude. Confidence and ambition and passion are no substitute for love and devotion and mutual respect. The kind of woman I could love is one who says, “Honey, I have an idea, let’s…” “Dearest, would you mind not doing that, it’s annoying?”, “What do you think we should do with this room? I’d like to…” and “Penny for your thoughts?” – because those are exactly the kind of things I would say to and ask of her. The kind of woman I could love is one who knows her own mind, and will come out and speak it honestly, but without the need for judgement or obnoxious empowerment. The kind of woman I could love would tell me in no uncertain terms when I’ve messed up, but she would also be willing to forgive transgressions. She would want to contribute her thoughts and ideas to the making of our home, but she would also want to know what I wished as well. She would be willing to be my personal assistant when I needed one, just as I would be willing to be hers when she needed one. She would take a pride in me and want me to succeed, because I would certainly be proud of her and want her to be the best she could be.

    She would never threaten me or try to dominate me, any more than I would her; she would never drive me to a “mancave”, nor would I need one. Why should I need a refuge from the woman I love and have given my life to, that I would feel the need for a place to shut her out of? Why would she consider “image” so much more important than our love and acceptance, that she feels the need to hide my past from our home? There’s no need for threats, no list of demands to be met, no thoughts of control or power games or punishment for things done wrong. There’s no “me, me, me” or “you, you, you”, but “us, us, us.” That is what real love is, a total commitment, a giving of two people utterly to each other, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death us do part. Such interdependence has for generations untold stood the test of time as the guerdon that binds a family together against all adversity, but is now derided and dismissed in the all-consuming worship of the Great God Independence. It requires a working at the relationship, a need for mutual respect, understanding, love … and Acceptance.

    And above all, the Three Magic Words, which these days seem to have been lost in the need to establish our independence, buried in the endless social push of entitlement to enforce our rights without consideration of our responsibilities:

    “I love you.”

    I guess that’s why I’ve remained single.

    • Ames W

      I think you may have missed the point Godless Mom was trying to make. She can defend her own style of writing (and has had to several times). I see it more like, ‘if ‘ a man acted in that way, this would be her response. She isn’t talking about a man who was reasonable and accepting.

      • Mystikan

        I don’t believe I have missed the point. Godless Mom’s style of writing is not at issue here, but the points she makes are. So I’ll posit individual responses to each of her points, based on a hypothetical relationship, and maybe that will more clearly illustrate why I responded the way I did:

        1. Goals of the week? Kumbaya? How sarcastic and cold. So how would I ask about what’s next on our to-do list without offending her sensibilities, because in my view, a major part of a relationship is finding out what each other wants to do and get done?

        2. Woah, such hostility for the dire insult of daring to offer to help in doing something. I get that changing a piss-soaked baby’s bed is annoying. She wouldn’t need to get mad, I’d take my turn. But if I’d be castigated for offering to help – what should I do? It looks to me can’t win here.

        3. How dare I ask her to do anything differently? It is I who would have to change how I do things to suit her, always. How about we not do anything that might be connected to my hobbies and a garage full of tools – but I would bet a month’s salary the attitude would be quite different when it comes to a wardrobe full of dresses and a closet full of shoes. If that isn’t entitlement, what is?

        4. Fair enough. In my first post I said I’d do my share of jobs to be done.

        5. Fair enough. She’s offering to spare some energy, so would I. Mutuality is good.

        6. Of course the kids would come first. But we’d also need our own alone time too, to foster our relationship. Am I to expect that showing any desire for such would result in me being shown the door?

        7. Sometimes we forget things. Human memory is fallible; it happens. And some of the best moments in life occur when you simply got up and did something unplanned, out of the blue. And talking down to me about big boys wearing big boy pants strikes me as patronising and condescending. How would she react if the situation were reversed and I talked down to her about big girl knickers?

        8. So she would talk about me behind my back to her friends? Would she say those things to my face? That one’s a big red flag to me right there.

        9. So she would take no pride in my appearance nor expect (or even allow) me to take pride in hers? Yes, at home when we’re in slop, it doesn’t matter. But if we’re going out somewhere, wouldn’t she want me to look good for her, and vice versa?

        10. Raising the children, yes. But if my job is paying the mortgage and the bills, wouldn’t she consider that rather more important than spending time waging political crusades?

        11. So no help from her if I need it for a particular job then. I suppose that works in reverse too, considering her “don’t offer to help me” statement in point 2. So why would we be in a relationship again?

        12. No, of course not. Even if what she’s involved in might be hurting me or, $deity forbid, be ideolodically opposed to my own views, her rights to do the things she wants must be upheld at all costs. I must accomodate her beliefs and activities without expecting any reciprocation.

        13. Fair enough. Why wouldn’t I be?

        14. Absolutely. Let it out and deal with it right there, never let things fester. At least we agree on that point.

        15. So if she’s not in the mood to dress up, we’re not going out tonight either. So looking back at point 7, never mind if I forgot that we were going out, bad luck. But if she doesn’t feel like making the effort to make herself presentable, we’re not going. But, as per point 7, if it’s me that wants to drop our plans, hoo boy, there’ll be hell to pay.

        16. Fair enough. I’m an atheist myself, so no problem there. But even if my partner was a Christian, as long as she didn’t try to convert me and respected my belief, I’d still respect hers. My Dad is an atheist, Mum is a Catholic, and it was never a problem for them.

        17. So if I decide to discuss or explore my spirituality, I’m mentally ill and going to see a doctor? Refer to my first post, the bit about tolerance being on everyone’s lips but seldom in their hearts.

        18. Fine. But that works both ways, regardless of whether it’s said in jest or not. And the moment a partner of mine threatened me with divorce like that, I’d say go right ahead, because there’s no love where there’s a need for threats.

        If I were in a relationship with a woman like this, I would be walking on eggs around her, living in abject fear of the consequences of accidentally saying the wrong thing, making a single mistake, or of offending her in some mysterious and unforeseeable way. And love cannot exist in a relationship ruled by fear.

        Look, I’m really not trying to be hostile or confrontational here, I am genuinely trying to understand. I’m not looking for a fight, and if this discussion degenerates into condescending or abusive diatribes about bigotry, sexism and misogyny (as so many regrettably do, which is why I bring it up) I will just leave. But this list really does strike me as having a certain implicit hostility to it, and I can’t help but express a little hostility in response. If I’m reading that wrong, then please explain clearly what I’m reading wrong and how I should interpret it, because in all honesty, try as I might, I’m not seeing a lot of love or caring in that list, and these things seem to me to be paramount in any relationship.

        • If you don’t understand satire, please stop reading my blog. Absolutely none of this was to be taken seriously, and you’re inability to see that is awkward.

          • Margaret Tombs

            It sounds to me like someone is projecting their bad experiences of one or some women to all women, and using those experiences to claim victim hood and justify underlying misogyny.
            That as well as a very poor sense of humour.

      • None of it, outside of the number of drum sets my husband has (which I encouraged) was true. We don’t even have a bandsaw 😉

    • It was satire. It was in response to the other article – I had to force myself to come up with 18 points, none of which are true. I knew someone would fail to see that satire can actually be convincing, but I take that as a compliment that I can write at least.

      One of the most valued lessons I learned from my husband, is acceptance and I fully agree that it’s the only way any relationship will ever work. So many marriages fail because they have this idiotic idea that there’s some perfect person out there for them. It’s simply not true.

      Whether you want to believe it or not, this article is entirely satire and insisting it’s anything else, is basically telling me I have no idea what I, myself, am experiencing in my own life, and that somehow you know better. Isn’t that a touch hypocritical… let me just say, I am a little weirded out by you saying you couldn’t “love a woman like me” assuming you know the first fucking thing about me. That’s just fucking weird.

      • Mystikan

        What I said was, I couldn’t love a woman with that attitude – meaning, the attitude expressed in the list. That’s completely different to saying “a woman like you”. Of course I don’t know who you are or what other traits you have, the only thing I could go on was what I read in your list, and comparing it to dozens of similar lists I’ve seen around the net and what I’ve learned of the kind of women who compose them, is what completed the picture. This is why I specifically pointed out about attitude. And the problem with satire, especially of this kind where people often echo genuine sentiments in this vein, is Poe’s Law. That’s why I questioned it being satire – that experience, not any putative foreknowledge of who you personally might be.

        But in any case, I’m just a passing Stumbler who saw your list and felt compelled to respond to it. I won’t comment further since I don’t want to create bad feeling, so I’ll move on now and won’t bother you again.

  • fortyboganus

    I agree with this article completely. I am a married man, been married for coming up 40 years. I have one bit of advice for newly married couples. If you ain’t friends, and I mean good friends, in three years, throw in the towel.

    • Yeah, you have to let go of the idea of some sort of soulmate and realize, you’re looking for a good friend who’s baggage and faults you can accept and deal with… ’cause we all have them.

  • Virtual Atheist

    I completely agree. I can think of nothing worse than a completely submissive partner.

    Every relationship needs some fire and ice or it isn’t a relationship, it’s a business contract between employer and employee… Or master and slave.

    Fuck that right off!

  • Andrew Eells

    My wife and I were Christians – in training to be missionaries- for the first two years of our marriage. She really tried being the submissive wife. Tried saying yes at ALL times, even in the bedroom, even when she didn’t want to, even when she’d been quite frequently disappointed. She made sure I had my shit together, and got back to the kitchen when she could stand it. After all, that’s what the Bible told her a Godly, Proverbs 31 woman did.

    She hated it. I hated it. Things were okay, but boring and an endless conflict between who we were and who “God created us to be.” We had shitty, shitty, one-sided robot sex. After all, the bible really didn’t say I had to care too much about her. Female pleasure just really didn’t get talked about in mens’ bible studies (though satisfying MY needs was reinforced in every woman’s devotional and piece of literature ever printed).

    She just wasn’t the passionate, opinionated, independent woman I fell in love with.

    Now all of that has changed. ALL of it. We left missions, the church, and belief in God behind us and couldn’t be happier. We get to be our own people. We get to be independent. I get the love of my life back – and not this weird subservient, submissive, sex thing she thought she needed to be – my independent, fiesty, “Clean up your own shit ’cause I sure as hell ain’t doing it”, lover.

    The most important thing I think that can be found in a partner is self-awareness, self-respect, and the internal need to stand up for oneself.

    • That is the happiest story I’ve ever gotten in a comment. Fuck yes, way to go! You guys rock 😀

      • Andrew Eells

        that is the most positive response we’ve ever gotten to being atheists and our deconversion story. *tears up*

  • Margaret Tombs

    I can completely relate to the collecting toys thing. How many tools does a non professional actually need? And do they really always need to be top of the range? Especially when they are so jumbled up in the garage that he can never actually find the one he wants on the once in a blue moon occasion that he actually finds a use for it, so he has to improvise without it anyway.