Ahh, Halloween. That blustery, crisp time of year when every housewife lines up at the T-Ho’s drive-thru for a Pumpkin spice muffin and matching latte. The time of year every shrub at the end of a driveway suddenly appears to sprout thick, synthetic cobwebs. The pumpkins are popping up all over town, brittle leaves swirl in the wind and costumes are flying off the shelves at every store that sells them.
While this year everyone seems to be planning to be a clown, I thought we atheists could come up with something a little more clever. Here are 12 costumes only atheists will appreciate:
1. Ray Comfort with a giant banana. Sure, people may be confused as to why your shirt says “Atheist’s nightmare” but when you politely explain it’s because your banana is rounded at the tip for ease of entry, all should be cleared up.
2. A priest with a hard-on. This one is easy. Just get a big black priest’s robe and wear something under it that protrudes enough to look like a raging boner. For extra emphasis, wear a chain with a cross on it around your neck and maybe some lollipops sticking out of your pocket.
3. Your own ancestor – just dress as an ape!
4. Crocoduck – Half crocodile, half duck, the crocoduck will delight those familiar with Ray Comfort’s favourite species.
5. Ben Affleck – Don’t forget to sport your t-shirt that says, “It’s gross! It’s Racist!”.
6. A priest with handcuffs on. The best part is that no one will ask why the priest has been arrested – they already know!
7. Zombie Jesus. Just make sure no one at the event you’re attending is dressed as Daryl Dixon.
8. Mohammad on his magical donkey. don’t forget to wear your kevlar vest underneath and travel with a security detail.
9. Mormon Missionary. White, short-sleeved dress shirt, dark tie, black pants, a messenger bag and the Book of Mormon. Nothing wrong with dressing up your nose like it had recently been broken by a slamming door either, or strap 3 or 4 blow-up dolls to your sides and explain they are all your wives.
10. Pascal’s Bookie. Take bets regarding the afterlife from everyone you approach.
11. A mohel with a giant pair of scissors. If you want to give all your guy friends a good halloween scare, let them think they stumbled into a bris. Bonus points for sideburn curls.
12. God. The key is, don’t show up for the party or event you’re dressing up for, and when your friends ask why you weren’t there, tell them to prove you weren’t.
What are you going as for Halloween? Let me know in the comments!